Let's Spring Forward

Daylight savings made its arrival to my heart last weekend. It's exciting when it starts getting darker later and later...it reminds me of being young and WAITING for summer and that meant not being in school. Now, as a member of the senior citizen community, I now have to find new things that make me happy. Therefore, this spring I hope to

conquer some baby goals.

1. Take more leisurely post-work walks

I usually get out of work between 5-6pm, so in the fall/winter time it's like pitch black and sad outside. But now the sun goes down around 7ish. Enough time to take a nice stroll. I want to shoot for 2 times a week.

2. Wear more rings to make my hands look lady like and not like a baby

I feel that I have the hands of a child, which is why I try to have my nails long and done most of the time. I feel that adds lady sassy-ness. But rings really fem up your hands. I'm

not talking about fat crazy rings but more simple rings here and there.

Think this:

3. Master that "peachy glow" look

I'm obsessed with that sun kissed bronzed peachy/pink look. I think it's so beautiful. I want to fool the world and pump some life into my look. *I tried googling a look, but only white famous people came up...but I think you know what I'm talking about*

So that's all I have as of now. I'm excited and happy for spring :)

HATER JUEVES: NW Rain

Born and raised in Oregon 97% of my life has been full of rain. Oregonians go nuts when the sun actually does come out. People dust off their summer gear and decide that the world needs to see their disgusting feet. The temperature can still be a good 45 degrees, but if the sun is out it's like attack of the board shorts and tank tops. As if Portland just transformed to Spring Break MTV (mind you, think the summer style of 1996).

Growing up I never really cared one way or another about rainy and cold weather. Obviously I did not care looking a hot mess and was depressed about school stuff any way. But for the last year or two, I've been insanely mood affected by the weather. After I left the world of school, I jumped out of my bubble and focused on all of my surroundings. Not only did the sad sad rain make me insanely upset but I got a case of the "freezing colds" (a term I coined because it seems medically legit). I'm not sure what happened, but I'm always super cold...like to the point it hurts my life. So when there are sun breaks I'm insanely happy.

The Northwest would be so much more beautiful if there was more than one month of sun a year. I'm so down for global warming if it means we can get perfect sunny warm weather year round.

Cheap Gas=Soul Selling

Gas prices have been going crazy as of late; it hurts enough to fill up one’s gas tank but when a gallon of gas can buy you a super fat fancy coffee…life choices become difficult. In our neighborhood, gas is more on the expensive side, so awhile back I used my handy “gas buddy” app on my phone to find the cheapest gas for me. I found one just a few blocks from our casa. Significantly cheaper! So this has been my go to spot…

But with cents off the gallon, I pay in other ways. This particular gas station (on Interstate & Killingsworth) is home to many short brown men. Some have slick man ponytails, others have dad sneakers. Every time I go here, the gas attendants lay on the creepy and say weird stuff in Spanish. I’m not alone in this struggle. Marb$ has had her experiences. We could be in glasses and hoodies or dressed fancy, doesn’t matter…they want our sexy. I don’t understand why little raza dudes are so confident in their ways. Like, I win by 4 or 5 inches of height and they’re like “yaaaaa!”

Just to give you a little taste of what we’ve experienced…

• I drive up to the gas pump
• I roll down my window
• Raz man approaches he says “Hola”.
• I say “Hi, fill it up, regular, card…” No eye contact
• He completes his duty of filling up the gas tank
• Gives me my receipt and says “¿Solo eso quieres?” (translation: Is that all you want?)
• I say a big fat “YES” and roll up my window and speed off

Marb$ got her gas from the same spot, and got this poetry:

• “No te vayas eh…” (translation: C’mon, don’t go…)

I’ve gotten a few lingering hand touches at receipt time, weird stares, more than one gas attendant crowding near my car, etc.

But why do I keep going back? Because it saves me money in the end! If they want to give me free gas for life, I might contemplate letting them take me to a discoteca and buying me a margarita. What can I say, I’m a lady and I loathe giving up money to gas.

When Texting Goes Wrong

Think of this post as a continuation of the previous post. An ongoing discussion on man-habits. These are of course opinions, and I am entitled to mine.

I’ve had a couple of conversations with people regarding the use of emoticons and boys. I’m attracted to masculine energy, and unfortunately, intricate emoticons translate to unicorn and puppies type of energy. Are you a self-identified hetero-male with the knowledge to translate a range of emotions via your keyboard? That sucks.

 When I see a <3 or a classic rose @}---->----  I’m instantly repulsed. Anything more than a smiley :) articulates: “I love kittens, tea parties, and rainbows. I will not protect you during a mugging or when some dude grazes his hand over your ass at some bar. My winky-face emoticon indicates that I will get into a fetal position when these situations arise ;-)”  Do you see what just happened? That’s what goes through my head when I see a winky-face emoticon. Don’t holler at me, keep it moving.  

We've only just begun to scratch the surface with texting. Below is a list (in no hierarchal order) of texting DONT'S I have compiled. 

• Numbers for Letters. Exampe: "I miss u 2." Or "2gether we can get through this" and of course, "U R Da Biggest H8er." 

• Saying, "K", for, "Okay." 

• Condensing words to acronyms. For instance, "Shaking My Head" to, "SMH" or, "IKR" from, "I Know Right." (I actually just learned, IKR today. I'm not with it anymore)

• "Laughing" via text is tricky. I can appreciate a standard, "HaHa." None of this, "LOL" or "ROFL." And please, this goes for anyone over the age of 25, dont' use, " hee hee" or the Spanish version, "jijijijiji" Nothing is more unattractive, than a, "jijiji" from a dude that is trying to holler at you. To me, jijijijiji looks like Christmas stockings. Tell me you see it too. 

 If you truly respect yourself as a beautiful, intelligent, woman trying to make it in the world, remember: A guy uses emoticons it means you emoti-can't. Walk away and don't look back. 

Gentleman Shopping: Marb$ and $cruz Interact With Boys

This will probably go down as one of the greatest social experiments of all. I’m considering some sort of thesis out of this. Avid followers, you all know, we are awkward. That’s putting it mildly. I’m the type of person that speaks their mind and makes jokes when they are put in weird situations, and $cruz likes to push peoples buttons. Even her drink order can sometimes emasculate others because it’s the main ingredient in gasoline.

Your girl Marble$ has been going out every chance she gets--even if its at the super Mexican places where people wear cowboy hats and pointy boots. I’m there. My new mission is to have fun and open myself up to possibilities. What I didn’t prepare myself for was the flirtatious advances (or sometimes lack of) and interactions. $cruz, of course, is more than willing to try and play wingman (or lady). We went out with some our amigas on both Friday and Saturday this weekend. Below are just some of the real-life interactions that took place. Which one of us had these interactions? You will never know and I will never tell!

Friday Night- February, 24, 2012 (insert Law & Order gavel sound)

IHST Blogger #1: “Where do you work?”

Gentleman #1: “At a warehouse”

IHST Blogger #1: “Of course you do.”

Gentleman #1: “What’s your sign?”

IHST Blogger #1: “Really?”

Gentleman #1: “Oh did you say (insert zodiac sign that we cannot reveal)? I know what that means”

Gentleman #1: “Let’s shake hands”

IHST Blogger #1 initiates handshake featured below:

Gentleman #1: “That’s not how ladies shake hands”

IHST Blogger #2 is approached by a stupid ass with a faux-hawk

Stupid Ass (pointing at IHST Blogger #2): “Yo, Yo, Yo, you be lookin’ hella 17 up in this club.”

IHST Blogger #2: “What?”

Stupid Ass: “You look so young! are you even 21?”

IHST Blogger #2 walks away and rolls eyes.

Later on:

IHST Blogger#2: “How is it that you get hit on like crazy, but then I’m told I’m a little kid? You’re Salma Hayak and I’m Benjamin Button. I’m aging backwards!”

IHST Blogger #1 laughs mercilessly because IHST Blogger #2 speaks the truth.

Saturday Night- February 25, 2012 (insert Law & Order sound again)

IHST Blogger#2 was approached by a 6’4” individual. Wasn’t dress super fly in any way, but allowed conversation because she did not want to seem racist and gives all people the benefit of the doubt. Tidbits from the conversation:

Gentleman #2: “I go to a Christian university, do you have a religion?”

IHST Blogger #2: “I was raised Catholic, but I don’t believe in the social construction of religion.”

Gentleman #2: “What are you?”

IHST Blogger #2: “What ‘am I? Like I’m an animal?”

Gentleman #2: “No, your nationality.”

IHST Blogger #2: “I was born in the US. So American”

Gentleman #2: “Okay, your ethnicity.”

Gentleman #2: “You’re thick”

IHST Blogger #2: “So I’m fat?”

Gentleman #2: “No! Healthy, not fat at all”

IHST Blogger #2: “So not quite obese yet? I’m not at risk for heart attack or stroke is what you’re saying” (at this point, IHST Blogger #2 wanted to shake this fool)

Gentleman #2: “I like that you’re taller than most girls. Because sometimes a small girl looks weird when you’re dancing with them”

IHST Blogger #2: “yeah, it could look like you’re dancing or grinding with a child.”

*About five minutes later, he said goodbye. Apparantly this was supposed to be taken as some sort of diss, but once he said that the cologne he was wearing was Infinity by Mary Kay it was over. If you don’t mess with Armani, Prada, or Chanel for men, don’t bother. If my dad has a better cologne collection, there is something wrong. My dad speaks limited English and enjoys McDonald’s breakfast, and even then he’s all about Calvin Klein--so up your game!

IHST Blogger #1 fell in love while in line for the bathroom. IHST Blogger #1 also met someone with a neck tattoo while dressed in a button-up, tie, and sweater vest. Decisions, Decisions.

IHST Blogger #1: “someone tried to cut in front of me in line for the bathroom, and HE defended my honor”

Until next time!

Wife Shopping? Olive Garden Edition

One Saturday, some gals desired some fine Italian food. Where shall we go? Where do I feel the most like "family?"

Olive Garden it is.

We ventured, mid-day, to hit up the Olive Garden. We were so pumped for all the pre-food (salad/soup & breadsticks). Not only did we go to town on pre-food, our waitress was a beast and kept bringing the food and drinks. She was a refill master. Needless to say we had a feast like kings. By the time our for real meals came, we could hardly eat it. So we had to get boxes. But the Olive Garden wants to embarrass you (much like real family). They make you walk out with giant grocery store style paper bags. It's like we went to the Costco of eateries. They're so offensive in size that we made a mad dash to the car.


Once we arrived to the IHST headquarters (our super filthy place) we found no room in the fridge for such giant bags. It was full of old expired stuff. Instead, we used our produce drawer to house our leftovers. We make our mama's proud.

HATER JUEVES: Washington Drivers

I’m about create some Pacific Northwest beef, but I need to profess this hate. I live near the border…the border of Oregon and Washington that is. I am an Oregonian, I will never identify with those of Washington, don’t clump us together! When they preach border control, this is the border I wish for. Build that tall wall, let us create a moat with snapping alligators and sharks.


But why all the hate you ask? I guess I should clarify. I’m sure Washington is home to some lovely people. But once you’re a Washington driver in Oregon you become the worst drivers ever. With such proximity to Washington near where I live (North Portland), there is an abundance of Washington plate cars driving all around me.

I have a mild case of road rage, I admit this. But when I say mild I mean pretty close to bashing my fists into my windows. My friends have witnessed my losing of patience. Every time I have an “episode” I see the plates (9 times out of 10, no lie) and it’s that neighbor state. I have such little patience when it comes to driving. If we’re not on the same page then you’re my enemy. So don’t be afraid to use that gas pedal, don’t leave your blinking turn signal on for no reason, get out of the left lane if you’re on a leisurely drive, basically go away. Next time you see Washington plates, remember this. Washington drivers go back to where you came from, you can’t sit with us!

Gal-entine's Day

Normally, I'm not usually down for sappy shiz like Valentine's Day. However this year, I felt like everyone around me was super into it, and I got peer pressured into caring about what I was doing. I was mostly interested in the "caring-about-your-friends" aspect. I came home from work and was in the mood to just do SOMETHING. We ended up eating @ Cha Cha Cha on Hawthorne (because the location on Broadway has rude people working the cash register and their limes aren't juicy. Big no-no). The place was empty because couples were celebrating at fancy places with waiters. Waiters and edible fruit roll-up underwear for dessert.

It was such a non-romantic atmosphere, the PDX cops were there. They weren't hot cops, so don't get too excited. One of them looked like they could have been related to Pumba from The Lion King. He handcuffed Stefanie and he told her she had the, "right to remain sexy." No, that didn't happen, but it she wished for it. 

We ordered some sort of fruity cocktail situation and ate good food. We ended things with a car sing-dance party. It was our own personal tribute to Whitney (RIP, girl). 

The next day, we kicked it up a notch with a grocery store Moscato and donuts. Shame? Oh right, I don't have that. 

I know there are a ton of "Shit (insert whatever stereotype) Say" However, I do appreciate a well-made video like the one below, "Shit Bitter Females Say."  "I gotta catch up on Love & Hip Hop anywayz, BITCH." 

IHST VALENTINE'S DAY!

Last year, our conversation IHST hearts and special edition Brown Man Valentine's Day cards were extremely popular! We analyzed the heart of the Brown Man, particularly famous Brown man figures in Latina/o culture (or Chicana/o culture, whatever you like to identify as, mija).

This year, the focus is on actual things that have either been said or texted to us. This is an ode to the contemporary (presumably heterosexual) males of today. Long gone are the days of "gentleman callers" and "courting". It's a cut-throat zoo with roundabouts and many things left unsaid. It's hard out there for a pimp, and by "pimp", I mean awkward Brown girls who don't know how to "flirt" or be/play dumb.

The games people play and their non-direct shenanigans are all hilarious. We are all guilty. So here we go...

Treat Yo'Self: Sephora Edition

For Christmas 2011, I received a $75 gift card to Sephora. This amount of money allotted solely for makeup is like giving a drug addict all the cocaine they can snort in a week. 

I entered Sephora like I was Charlie in the motha-effin Chocolate Factory. Charlie took his grandpa to the chocolate factory, and I took $cruz to help me (the resemblance is uncanny). It didn’t take much arm-twisting, $cruz likes to watch other people spend their money since she does so in a vicarious fashion. Plus, she knows how to indulge in luxury items, and her peer pressure works. 

The main reason I took $cruz was because of her peer pressure ways. She’s good at making me spend my money on things I don’t need, but then flips it to make it seem like if I don’t buy something, I may die. You see, I’m cheap. Frugal is too cutesy of a term and doesn’t do my cheapness justice. This is why I buy things that break, such as ikea clothing racks, ikea chairs, purse chains, you name it, I get the cheap version of it. I was perfectly content with buying Sephora brand lipsticks and eyeliners, but Stefanie insisted and said, “buying the actual Sephora brand is like buying Equate products from Wal-Mart” It’s true.

So here is what I got: 

Amazing color. Pink Petal!

Best eyeliner I've had! Use with an angled brush!

Dior LashPlumping Serum is $28 and it WORKS. Makes my eyelashes long and huge!

I have student loans, car payment, rent, and other things I have to worry about. It's nice to indulge, especially when I didn't even pay for any of these items.