Texts From Last Night

Texts From Last Night is a website where people send in their most random, funny, ridiculous, inappropriate texts. I choose to believe that all of these are real. They are the most entertaining things to read, this website has taken much of my time in the last 2 days. I must warn those youngsters out there that there is very colorful language, so please read with caution...or don't show your parent's your computer screen.

Here are some highlights (WARNING: bathroom/inappropriate humor ahead):

"At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare."

"He disabled his match.com account in front of me"

"I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose."

"DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?"

"I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear."

"How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty'"

"Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm"

MixGREAT, good for the soul

I haven't done one of these in a long time. I was doing them pretty frequently that I ran out of songs. So, time has passed and I think I'm ready...are you ready? Ok.

1. Song That Speaks To My Soul

"The Captive Mind"-The Helio Sequence

This is by far my favorite Helio Sequence song. I love the vocals, so relaxing and just pretty to listen to. The Helio Sequence formed where??? Beaverton, OR. Not Portland, but the actual suburb of Beaverton. Therefore, Beaverton just got 10 more cool points.

2. The Throwback

"Heaven"-Bryan Adams

I'm not preaching that I'm a Bryan Adams fan, I just have a love for this song. It's so classic. It came out in 1985, the year of my birth so of course it's a pretty bomb song. I'm not sure, should this song be in the guilty pleasure pile? No, I'll keep it here. I'm not ashamed to sing along to this.

3. Guilty Pleasure

"La La La"-LMFAO

LMFAO, yup LMFAO (emphasis on the FAO=feo). These guys look like they stepped out of "all the trends" blvd. They are taking a "look" and kicking it to death. But this song is sooooo guilty pleasurable, it's like a bad teen soap (i.e. Gossip Girl, and we all know I love me some Chuck and Blair). This song is fun and has a nice beat. I'm keeping it real, that's what I'm here to do.

4. Song That's Like Roses & Chocolate

"Digital Girl"-Ft. Drake, The Dream, Kanye West, & Jamie Foxx

This song has all the R&C guys, I mean anything with The Dream is instant Roses & Chocolate. This song is so 2009, references to IM chats, wi-fi, computer communication in general. I like the concept of the song, and all these guys sound really good together. It's a plus because it does not feature Lil' Wayne, I'm so over that guy, he's everywhere!

Urban Decay Eyeshadow: "Blunt"

Whenever I get a few dollars I'm buying some new eyeshadow. My eyeshadow shade I want the most right now???? "Blunt" by Urban Decay. I put some on when I go to Sephora (this is usually when I go to Nordstrom or Macy's and put on some Bvlgari Rose Essentielle ).I'm like a homeless who goes to the mall and wants to smell good and have pretty eye make-up. Anyway, this eyeshadow is a great shimmery gold that looks fabulous! The container below is about $16.

So I realized I don't want to spend $16 on just one color, therefore I want to get this palette: the Skull Shadow Box. Yes, I know the name is little tool-ish, but the colors included are amazing...and includes Blunt! Here is a rundown of the colors (twice baked is pretty bomb too):

9 shadows: Cherry, Midnight Cowboy Rides Again, Grifter, Vert, Oil Slick, Shattered, Blunt, Chopper, Twice Baked

Now this beauty is $36, what a steal! I can't wait to get it!

Super GORGE Shoes

What's up with Coach!?! I actually like these shoes! I see them every time I go to Macy's. I pass by and I admire their beauty. I think they're so classy and the gold and black just go so well together, this picture really doesn't do them justice. I'm usually not that much of a Coach fan, but these shoes are pretty adorable.

Buy them for me?

Weeds: A+

Another great show to rave about: Weeds. I started this show because the first 2 seasons are available on the Netflix instant player. It's great for a TV series addict like myself because I can keep clicking for the next episode. Sadly, the 3rd and 4th seasons I will have to watch the old fashion way (waiting for those damn red envelopes in the mail).

This show is a very unique and has a funny concept: suburb

an mom/widow makes her living by being a weed dealer. This show has a great group of actors and each episode is very much entertaining. There is such a great balance of comedy, ridiculous-ness, with just a dash of drama...making the show very relatable to the viewer.

I have to shout out a couple performances. Elizabeth Perkins is amazing in her role as Celia Hodes. She's a crazy suburban mom who hates her husband, practically hates her children, and basically has negativity running her life. At one point in the series she switches her overweight 11-year old daughter's hidden chocolate stash with laxatives.

And the star of the show, Mary-Louise Parker is amazing. She plays Nancy, the widow and mother to 2 boys. She's super likable and plays the role to perfection. Much kudos to her.

So I'm half way through the 2nd season, I started just yesterday. When I heart a show, I really do heart a show.

Check out a clip from a very hilarious episode.

To set it up, Nancy has her brother-in-law explain to her youngest son what it means to "grow up." Uncle Andy (Justin Kirk) is a true gem in this show. He's ridiculous.

I can't embed so please click HERE!!!

L'Oreál's Double Extend Mascara

At IHST we're always on the prowl for a good mascara. After watching my favorite make-up lady, Kandee, I was interested in using L'Oreál's Double Extend Mascara. She uses it all the time and loves it. So I got it. I said "what the hell," I'm living life on the edge...no big deal. Well I've used it for a few days now and it's super awesome. You just have to take the time and apply it very carefully and thoroughly.

Take a look at how it works with the diagram below in this ad:

It's like giving your eyelashes mini-extensions. The tubes actually work. It's kind of creepy when you wash your face though, these little black slug looking things fall off your eye. But to have pretty eyelashes who cares what falls out of your eye. So I recommend this mascara for creating length and fullness. It gets easily clumpy so apply CAREFULLY.

Skin-Lightening Creams

During my stay in Mexico, I've been watching lots of telenovelas and daytime television (for research , of course). One alarming commercial I saw was for "White Secret", a skin-lightening cream that promised to whiten your skin up to three shades! I was shocked and saddened. I can't wrap my head around this product and why people still insist on pushing the "white is right" ideal. The name "White Secret" is perfect for this cream because you should be ashamed if you use it.

So the moral of this story is: if you want police to stop pulling you over or want that home loan, "White Secret" is the product for you. Don't worry about not changing conventional ideas of beauty and racial discrimination, that stuff is hard! Salvation can be found in a bottle!

Fall Essentials

The Sonora heat makes me long for Fall clothing. People here wear denim pants in 115 degree weather like it ain't no thang, but I can't do that! My body is used to rain, wind, and frigid temps. I haven't found "Marble$ Style: Warm Weather Version" just yet. I'm trying though! It's so hot, I don't even feel like wearing my gaudy jewelry. When that happens, you know the situation is grave. Overall though, I've been having a fabulous time at the beach and watching the sunset while eating mangos and listening to the ocean. :)

Here are some items I can't wait to get my hands on when I get back

I need a good nude hue for my lips without any pinkish tones.

Opaque Red Tights! I've been dying to cop some for years!

Gold Fiction Nail Polish by Chanel. This color is gorgeous!

A fierce LBD- Little Black Dress.

A fly trench.

I Want To Smell Like Fancy Roses

I want this...

Bvlgari Rose Essentielle

I need to get a Powerball Ticket ASAP

Intervention Addict?

Check out the following video. It's a spoof with Fred Armisen about being an Intervention (the show of course) addict. The video is very well done and pretty funny. I think I really relate to the obsession that is Intervention. I need to admit I have a problem...

SNL and Mad Men representation in the video (A+)

Intervention Intervention with Fred Armisen from Fred Armisen

New Purchase: Life Bag

It's been tough to make trips to the mall and Target, because of the lack of job (lack of money). It seems like every time I go to a store and I'm dead broke I want to buy everything, everything is just super awesome. Then there are times I actually do have money and everything is gross.

Well I had a few extra bucks, thanks to my mom, and I took a Target trip. I've been in need of a new bag. I'm not really a purse person. It's either just my wallet and phone or a "life bag." A life bag is just that, it has my life in it (wallet, gum, books, computer, phone, food?). Well to my surprise Target had these nice simple messenger bags that were only $15. It was hard for me to narrow it down and choose one color, but maybe if I find money I'll go back and get the two runner-up colors.

Here is the bag I got:

Here are the other two I want.

I can't commit to one color, I'm polyamorous.

I love you Target.

My #1 Dream?

As I go through this post-college graduation confusion I find myself looking at the past, what were my loves? What were my dreams? I've been digging deep in my old desktop computer finding little treasures here and there. I used to love taking pictures, editing pictures, listening to peaceful tunes, and just loving my creative energies. But you know what else I found? My musical collection.

I used to go to theatre a bunch, my favorites were the musicals. There is nothing like it. My #1 secret dream has always been to be in a musical, to be a flippin star! I've always been super shy, I've gotten better the last few years, but never enough to be the "look at me" type. But one day I will jazz hands it up and channel my inner Liza. I think there is a little gay man inside my soul. That's why the gays love me.

Check out some great songs from my favorite musicals:

Assassins (yes that's NPH)

Wicked

Caberet

(Michael C. Hall did a performance of this. I would pay my right arm to see that).

Mos Def: Future ALMA Award Winner?

Mos Def in Spanish. "Say whaaaa?" you might ask. Ya I thought it was a bit interesting, but Mr. Def is a cultured guy. I mean he was in a Michel Gondry film, that's a french dude. I like this song...

Check out the song:

What do you think?

Paper ♥ Heart

How would you define love? What is love?

A new movie, or faux-documentary called Paper Heart stars Michael Cera and Charlyne Yi as fake versions of themselves. The format of the film is basically Charlyne and her director traveling the country asking questions based on a topic Charlyne is confused about: LOVE.

The movie looks interesting. Charlyne Yi is a bit annoying sometimes, or is she just too quirky for me?

Here is the trailer:

Here are a few clips, interviews that I found pretty hilarious, about love

according to some of the people who are featured in the movie.

Jack Black

Demetri Martin

Rob Huebel ( I heart Rob Huebel)

Home is where the ♥ is

I've been visiting my hometown all week. I've had a lovely time with my parents as well as great home cooked meals and satelite. Also, my sister and nephew have been here most of the week and it's nice to be a big happy family for a while.

The county fair has been going on this week. I haven't been to the fair in years. As a child growing up in my town of Roseburg, the fair was always a place to go with your friends and act too cool for school, even when you were a frizzy haired square bear for most of your life. I was hesitant to go, but we all went as a family and it was pretty ok. I ate everything in sight because fair food is bomb food. I also rode some rides, which freak me out way more now that I'm a vieja.

Check out this really cool baby outfit I found at the stand at the fair:

The real treat of Roseburg time? The local Roseburgers and the overall feel of this town. I lived here from birth to 18 years old, I don't know how I did it. I guess I didn't know any different.

The fair had a pretty big deal of a performance: Huey Lewis and the News. The stage area was packed and we sat and enjoyed not only the show, but the local crazies getting their drank and dance on. I'm sure this was the highlight of their summer or year. Check out this great video taken by my blackberry (quality not the best).

Hater Jueves: Ed Hardy

I hate the brand Ed Hardy with a passion. Everything in the line is ugly, not creative, and the people who wear it are gross. These expensive shirts created by Christian Audigier are all sorts of wrong! Here in Mexico, it´s the preferred look. The men at the bars and clubs wear Ed Hardy shirts two sizes to small with ripped jeans and Ed Hardy flip flops. In my personal opinion, this look says ¨date rapist¨.

Last night at a sushi bar, I saw a guy with an Ed Hardy hat that was drenched in rhinestones. It looked like he went crazy with a BeDazzler! Rhinestones are normally reserved for drag queens and little girls, so you can´t hate too much on a guy that just wants to be sparkly. Breaking gender expectations, I likes! Work it, girl! Of course, who can forget the posterboy for Ed Hardy: Father of the Year Jon Gosselin! He went from ultimate square-bear dad to douchebag-bachelor in mere months! Ed Hardy helped him achieve that.

The moral of this post is simple: If you see someone wearing Ed Hardy, they are probably concealing roofies and a fierce case of herpes.

Mexico so far...

At the moment I am in Hermosillo, Sonora, MX with my cousin. She is currently at one of the local universities and I am staying here until her finals are over. It´s been pretty fun so far. Here you can see what I have seen via pictures. I´m not very good at taking pictures and capturing moments because I am not a sentimental person, but I´m trying!

This picture below is an iced coffee in a small size. I´m used to the monster-sized U.S. portions, but it´s good because I won´t be bouncing off the walls.

Below is a picture of my bomb ass shrimp tacos. Mariscos and anything sea food related reign supreme here. Anything ¨Sonora style¨ involves bacon. Lots of bacon. I´ve never liked pork, but I´m going with it...

Like I said, sea food is the main staple here. They don´t mess around with their sushi. It is SO GOOD and fresh! You have the option of deep-frying the edges around the sushi rolls and it tastes delicious!

This picture below made me laugh. Instead of Alto it reads Pasele.It reminded me of the time I saw a stop sign and underneath it read ¨Hammer Time¨. The weirdest things make me laugh.

After passing through Nogales on the Mexican side, I saw the image of the la Virgen! It was enormous! I took a very blurry picture from a moving vehicle.

And last but not least, is a picture of my cousin´s English homework. I´m thinking of making it my facebook default picture because it made me laugh so hard. She tried to say, ¨If I were President of Mexico, I would kill every rapist.¨ Who writes this for homework?